Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Santa is German and is only halfway to Town...



With Christmas less than a week away, the claymation-marathons have officially begun. And by that, I mean that Caleb and I have just been watching them over and over and over. Like the same one... we have been watching 'Santa Clause is Coming to Town." It is my personal favorite of all the Claymasterpieces, because, while being heart-warming, it is also at a level of un-paralleled hilarity, that only magical Christmasy-ness could achieve.

To read this blog, I would suggest popping in the movie and doing a "watch-and-read" type of thing. You know how ABC Family used to do "Dinner and a Movie" nights where you would cook and watch? Yeah, this won't be anything like that, because this will actually be fun.

It starts:

This news-story opening is much funnier as an adult. Seamless transition into Claymation-land guys. Perfection.

Lets talk about our mailman:

Mail-Man Dude: Ahhh Fred. No dancing for you, but what can you do? Also, as an apparently world-wide letter carrier, you think he would know that it is against the law to open other peoples mail. Its really cute that he wants to read what the kids are asking Santa about, but the letter is addressed to "Santa." So don't be a nosey-nelly Mr. Astaire. And more improtantly, don't get arrested. And WHERE are these kids you are talking to?? All that are around are woodland creatures!

Next scene!

Burger Meister Meister Burger: Is sent a baby, clearly names Claus (like, the German boys name) and gives it to his incompetent soldier who promptly looses the baby. To the wind...

The wind which is strong enough to carry away a baby in a sleigh, but NOT strong enough to blow away the animals, or the pile of sticks that they have piled up. Okay, sure.

So then we have these 'elves,' Dingle, Jingle and other 'ingle' names, eventually they gave birth to Pringle, who left the elfing family to create stackable chips. Good call Pringle. They all live with the "Elf Queen", Tanta... no rhyme. She thinks the baby is a great idea, but what ISNT a great idea is to keep the name that he was given. Who would want to be called Claus when you could be called Chris?!

Now, as we learn the elves were once the First Toy Makers to the King. What Caleb so aptly pointed out, is WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! They never tells us! Tanta says that she hopes that one day their glory would be restored, but fails to mention what they did to get demoted and then fired. So... now are the once Second Toy Makers, the First? And can we take a minute and talk about how this chick is Queen to all of four elves? You know, thats probably why she got fired. No King wants some random elf lady calling herself a Queen, when she is most likely just deranged.

Which brings us up to the point where Chris is taught life lessons by forrest dwelling animals. And seals (which clearly live in the forrest...) teach him how to laugh. Which, as the movie states, is the most important thing that he learned. The elves that he spent the last, I don't know, eight years with must have been so beat up about their royal humiliation that they never, ever laughed. Thank goodness that seal-barking is an acceptable substitute for human laughter. Why have paid studio audiences for things when we could just drag in a bunch of seals? Though I doubt it would be cheaper... Ho Ho Ho.

So years go by, and both the narrator and Chris tell us that he is a man. He wants to take the toys to the aptly named 'Sombre Town.' Tanta, after 20 years, finally, made Chris his suit. Cool.

Next we meet the Penguin friend. After Chris deduces that the penguin is looking for a branch...no, a stick....no! a Pole! The north pole? No, SOUTH pole, all by pengu here jumping around and honking, Chris tells him, that while he can basically be of no help in aiding him in finding his home, he should just give up and come along to Somber Town. Topper, as he is now named, kisses Chris. I think she believes that Chris just proposed... oh well. It would never work. P.S. Where did the penguin get the scarf!?

Fact: Going near someones property is not trespassing. Hear that Winter Warlock? NOT TRESPASSING! So I don't care that you are super angry that Chris and Topper have taken a path that puts then about two miles south of your mountain. You can't get mad about that. Thats like me getting super angry about someone looking at my sandwich. Or someone sitting in the seat next to the one I saved. Sure, its annoying, but not grounds for any sort of aggressive action. But, there you go plotting their demide upon their return.. yeesh.

Somber Town:

Pan to BMMB coming out of the building getting ready to go down the stairs. If you take a moment to look at the stairs, you will notice that they are toy free. Seriously, rewind the movie and look. No toys. So then how does BMMB trip on that toy duck? Where does the duck come from? This duck is KEY to the unfolding of the rest of the story. The hatred of the duck leads to the hatred of the toys, which leads to the banning of the toys, which leads to the arrest of Chris, which leads to the escape, which leads to Christmas! After some serious discussion, Caleb and I found the only possible explanation. The guard. The guard must have planted the toy right at the last minute! Think about it, the guard is treated like crap. He is probably real bitter toward the Burger and wants his revenge. Bam. He is to blame for it all.

Cameo: The King is also the doctor and the father of the children whose house gets searched.

I love the sharpie drawn declaration that toys are illegal. Also, if the word 'dungeon' is written in bubble letters, it looses all its scaryness.

Fact: Every cold hearted Christmas character can have their heart melted by a toy. most likely it will be a toy they have always wanted since childhood. Ex. Jessica the school teacher. Ex. BMMB given a yo-yo.

Lets skip to the first solo song Chris gets to sing. You know the one I'm talking about,. But if you don't, let me give you a refresher on the lyrics:

"Oh what a good girl,
Oh what a good boy,
Oh what a big smile,
All because of a toy."

wait for it...

"If you sit on my lap today,
A kiss a Toy is the price you'll pay.'
When you tell what you wish for,
In a whisper,
Be prepared to pay."

Now it may just be me... and Caleb... but doesn't this strike you as being a little, oh, I don't know, rapey? Wildly inappropriate? Grounds for getting charged as a sex offender?

"If whatever you take.
You give a little back.
Then whoever you love,
will give a little love back,
So give a little love,
Get a little love back."

Why did we never realize this before? If I met anyone who was like, "hey, give me a little kiss and i'll give you a little surprise," I would promptly whip out my mace and give a little of that back!

To be continued...



Saturday, December 8, 2012

Auto Save Fails Again!

                                         this picture now has nothing to do with this blog post....

So, this post was going to be an in depth analysis on "The 12 Days of Christmas" after a little girl shattered that glass for me and made me realize it is basically a song about a man who like to give birds away as gifts. I wrote the post. I was long. And it was super funny. You should feel really disappointed that you will never get to read it, because it didn't save. I was on day 11 when it just shut down. So that was fun for me. Maybe I'll try again, but right now I am taking as a sign the universe deemed it unfunny. If the universe decides to re-deem it funny, it can send it to my inbox.

Is it too much to ask for the auto save to do what its title suggest it does? Save in an automatic fashion? I could go on a really long rant about it, but I won't. Because we all know how much I respect machines and fear their imminent rise to power. I forgive you MacBook.

so here is another, other, musing:

I have spent the past few weeks surrounded by people. They are everywhere I go. I find myself trying to swim through oceans of slow, foreign speaking humans who have taken the city by storm. But its like one of those storms that is always raging and there is no end in sight. I made the mistake of walking through Times Square the other day. At night. The other day, at night. So, the other night. Anyways, being in Times Square is like being in a sea of people trying to locate the bathroom in a restaurant they have never been to before. When you stand up from your seat, look around, walk the direction you think you should be going, stop, look around again, walk back the way you came, turn around, turn in a full circle, walk three paces to your left, bump into a waiter, knocking dishes to the ground and then sheepishly asking for directions. Its like that, but everybody in the universe is there, doing it all at once, and the joke is, there is no bathroom! Times Square is the destination! I don't know what these people are looking for!

And what makes it worse is, I'm short. Like, tall people try to walk over me, short. And people are always like "It must be so nice to be so petite." or "You are so tiny and adorable." or "You are so lucky, you never have to worry about dating a guy who is shorter that you because the only people shorter than you are children and little people." Which, yeah, sure, those are all true I guess. But here are some things you don't think about:

1) My face and your elbow? Same height. Where does your elbow end up when you turn around suddenly? In my face.
2) That stuff thats molding on the top of my fridge? Yeah, I don't know if thats even a thing because I can't see up there.
3) Clothing stores clothes racks.
4) No one can see me behind the registers I work behind. Or that car. Or that shelf. Or that bush. Or that sign. Or that other human.
5) I end up with my face in peoples armpits on the subway.
6) When you walk up the stairs in front of me, its full on ass-in-face.

That one is the worst. Every single day I walk up the stairs at the subway station and its just 12 to 23 steps in butt in face time. Its unavoidable. So everyday when you are getting dressed and you want to know if your butt looks okay in those jeans? Well, I am the person to ask, because I see my fair share and can make a comparison.

But there is the one revenge we short people have against the tall people of the world. And that is found on a rainy day. Umbrellas. An umbrella over my head, is an umbrella coming straight at your neck. So beware. Be wary. Be watchful. Short people will accidentally and unknowingly behead you all.

Also short people make convincing elves, seeing as three different kids told me that they know I am a real elf because I look like one.

And just so you all get your Santaland fix, here is the cuter exchange I had today:

"Did you see Santa?"
"YES I DID!"
"Was it awesome?"
"It was the BEST moment of my whole life I have had so far."
"It was!? Wow. What did you tell Santa you wanted for Christmas."
"I didn't say nothing because I couldn't talk because I was FLABBERGASTED." 
"Ohmygoodness."
The dad: "Don't ask him to tell you what it means. He is four, but insists that this is the only way to describe how he is feeling."

Also, I met a girl who asked Santa for a dragon. So it looks like the big guy has two of those to deliver this year. :)