Snacks on a Plane

The concept of an airport is pretty simple. There is this big building where a bunch of planes are parked. At certain times everyday, those planes will hoist themselves up into the air, and by some scientifically sound magic, the metal bird will hurl itself to its destination, where it will then smoothly (more or less) return to the ground and park at another huge building. We, as people needing to go someplace, throw down a couple hundred dollars to reserve a spot on the metal tube at a said time and place. The object of the game is to be inside the metal contraption before it departs. Easy right?

Now just hold on. There are rules. No game is fun if its too easy. You have to pass a test first, you know, to prove you really want it. You must pass through a gate. Its a lot like a combination of 'operation' and 'don't wake daddy'. You cannot touch the sides of the portal and you also cannot set the alarm off by having any metal on your person, or any shoes on. You must also send your bag through the Cave of Wonders. The bag cannot contain weapons, liquids over 3oz, or... no, thats about it. THOSE ARE THE ONLY RULES. But, a lot of people lose.

Flying is the worst. For me. Wait... okay, this is what I mean: Other people flying is the worst. For me.

Yeah, thats it. I hate people who don't know how to travel like competent human beings. If you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "I've never been on an airplane... Maybe I should go?" No. Stay where you are forever. Spare us all. Or, at the very least, give me a heads up to stay home whilst you attempt to go away. I have had my fair share of terrible airport experiences that are unrelated to other people:
1) The time I spent 16 hours in the Dallas airport trying to get on a flight.
2) The time I got a flight out of the Dallas airport and had to sit with a Rotwieler.
3) The time I spent 21 hours in the Seattle airport.
4) The time 'Battlestar Galactica' wouldn't load in the Seattle airport.

So when I went home last month, I had one of the most trying experiences to date.

I am in no way a pleasant person at 5am. I am even less of a gem when I am running on two hours of sleep. And I have NO patience for women who find it necessary to wear strappy, lace up, espadrille-esque shoes from hell through security. If they take 10min to put on, chances are they will take 10min to take off, so plan ahead lassies. So finally, after three strollers, a suitcase full of haircare products and a woman with a titanium hip, I got to my gate. As many of you know, SouthWest Airlines likes to take your travel as an opportunity to practice grade school procedures involving lines and numbers. So the gate becomes a mob of people attempting to achieve some sort of order. But no one wants to directly communicate with anyone and no one wants to be last. So one unlucky person becomes the line leader of a parade of incompetence. No, it wasn't me. I was busy shaking my head at the mother who allowed her six year old a glass snapple bottle that she then dropped and shattered, sending the contents splattering across the already sticky floor. Ugh.

Now I am on the plane. And theres and empty row! Oh joy of joys! So I settle in by the window and prepare for my well deserved nap. Suddenly, I feel some pressure all along my left side. I look over and what do I see? Nothing. Just navy blue. When I gather my wits I realize it is in fact a very large woman who wants to share my seat. I didn't pay for half of a seat, and I KNOW she did not pay for a seat and a half. But what could I say? "Excuse me ma'am, but is there any way you could get your excess body mass out of my seat and off of my thigh?" I am pretty sure that would be rude. Also she snored. And all I could think about was if this plane went all 'LOST' on us, I would still have the great misfortune of being on the same side of the island as this woman. yeesh.

I think perhaps I would prefer to share my plane with snakes and not humans. Sammy L. J, hook me up? At least SouthWest has snacks. I want some "mother f****** snacks on this mother f****** plane!" (get it? nailed it.)