I don't know if you know this, but yesterday was Valentines Day. I know, right? Its so totally one of those days that you can just miss. It's like Presidents Day, or Arbor Day. Sooo weird. But, yeah, like I said, it was yesterday. If you happened to miss it, you can rest assured you didn't miss much. No parades or anything of the sort. I bet you are wondering what I did, aren't you? You're probably thinking to yourself "Oh, she most likely did something terribly romantic and noteworthy" and you my friend, would be totally right! I had a straight up Rom Com night! Unfortunately I played both the man and woman in the meet cute senario. Also, it wasn't so much a 'meet cute' as a possible 'near death' or 'kidnapping' scenario. Okay, okay. It wasn't so much a Rom Com as the beginning of a very low budget horror film. And when I say horror film, I mean one of those movies they show kids in middle school about the dangers of the real world and being out after dark. Don't worry guys! This has a happy ending. There is a dashing man involved, so strap in!
It was a night that was most peculiar for a February in New York City. It was not as cold as you would expect it to be. The weather was much like a walk in freezer thats had the door left open for quite a while. It was like one of those beer rooms at a gas station. Got it? Man, can paint a picture or what? Am I right? Anyways... I had met Caleb and his castmates for a drink at the 'Harlem Tavern.' Getting there was fun since Caleb both told me the wrong bar and the wrong directions. But I got there, blah blah blah fast forward and we are leaving! They want to go downtown to go dance at a gay bar. What can make a single girls Valentines Day more depressing then having spent the evening watching 'The Office' with her cat? Going to a gay bar. No thanks. So, I decide to go home, taking with me the gifts Caleb had gotten for being so dapper and talented.
I cross the street to the C train and halfway down the stairs a nice homeless man informs me that the train is not running. He then wants me to pay him for this information. News flash buddy, ask for the money first. Psh. Duh. Heed that advice and you will be re-homed in no time! No big deal, I will just walk ten blocks. It's nice out. People say Harlem is really a good neighborhood. This is gonna be fiiiiinnnneeeeee.
Wrong.
No.
West Harlem is scary at night.
West Harlem is dirty at night.
And also probably trash covered in the day... I don't want to blame that on the nighttime.
So I just call Baggy and talk to her for a spell. But she was near sleep and I was getting lost, so that didn't get me far at all. I racked my brain for people to call who a) weren't in a relationship, so were clearly not busy b) people I thought would be awake c) people who don't have real people, early morning jobs. Check your phones kids! If you got a phone call, this means I consider you an unattached, evening job holding or jobless night owl! (I'm lookin' at you Rach-Face, Beecher, Marky-Mark, and T-Tay**). But alas, I was on my own.
At this point you're most likely thinking 'Carly, take a cab you stupid cow' and to that I say 'Ease up, I tried.' Fact: Cabs are full on Valentines Day because people are trying to show off. Either that, or the cabs I tried to flag were not in service. I did receive a few offers from men in vans and beat up cars. It's so strange, but they all thought my name was 'baby.' I feel like it was a weird guess at my name, and even weirder that they all guessed the same thing. So, if nothing else I learned I look like a 'baby.' This is strangely the thing that upset me the most tonight... I gave up on the cab thing and kept walking. I stopped to check my google map, when I noticed something written in the cement at my feet. It said 'Crips.'
Oh. Awesome.
I was in gang territory. I didn't and don't really know what that means, but I do know that its not good. Not good at all. Suddenly, everyone I saw I was certain wanted to kidnap me. I could finally see the 125th Street Station looming in the distance. I had to get there. If I had to defend myself, I wasn't completely unarmed. I had five long stemmed red roses that were Caleb's, so I had no qualms destroying them to aid in my self defense. I also had some chocolates that were also Caleb's, which I didn't want to use as a weapon because I wanted to eat those. I had my headphone cord for strangling, my heeled boots for bashing and my iphone to...I don't know, get it on camera?
I made it to the 125th stop, and then onto the train and then safely home. The worst thing that happened was that my 2008 ipod with no battery life died and I was sad. In the cool light of morning, as I sip my coffee, I realize that it probably wasn't as scary as I made it out to be. In retrospect I also realize that 9 out of 10 scary strangers you see do not want to kill you. They don't really care what you are doing. I also learned the true meaning on Valentines Day. Its not gifts, or candy, or presents or love. No, its none of that. Its a day to remind you that you need to choose your mate wisely. For instance, I now know to choose someone who could potentially save me from gang violence, who can hail a cab successfully, who carries something more useful that headphones for self defense and who can stave off a zombie attack. Because I know nothing about zombies and would prefer to live through an attack if it happens.
What about the dashing man at the end of my story? I didn't forget! He was at home waiting for me the whole time!
** To those I mentioned above, its a travesty that you are all single. You are all fabulous people who could only have been made for fabulous by answering their cell phones at 1 in the morning.
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