Don't Take Advice from 'Queen'.

There are few things in life I really hate. Well, thats not true. There are a lot of things in life I really hate. But most things I get to hate from afar, so it's really not that big of a deal for me. I hate fish, but they live in the ocean, so it's fine. I hate mimes, but they live in France, so it's not really a daily concern. I hate 'Ugg Boots', but winter is rumored to be ending, so I guess I can deal. I hate bicyclists, but... but they're everywhere, so it is a big deal. It's a HUGE deal! It is the biggest deal of my day to day existence.

Now, I want to clarify, as I usually do. I don't hate bikes. Nah. Bikes? Bikes are fine. I enjoy a leisurely bike ride every now and again. You know, on a bike path. Like, on a path that's only purpose is to be trodden upon by bikes. It's a path specifically constructed for people to use as a route when a bike is their means of transportation. It's funny actually. There are signs and things that designate it as a bike trail.

You know whats not a bike trail? The sidewalks of New York. You know what else is not a bike trail? The subway. You know what else? Hallways. Also, Starbucks. Elevators. These are all places for humans, sans bike, to use.

I almost get hit by a bicyclist every single day. And as much as I wish that was a gross exaggeration, it isn't. And it wouldn't be an issue if I knew how to avoid the bike people. But, this is what I have discovered since living in New York and I am gonna let you in on a little secret: there is no place you are safe from bikes. There is no escape. They are in the street and then BAM! They are on the sidewalk. They are being ridden on the subway platform and then BAM! They are being carries down the stairs. Every corner you round? BAM! Bike.

People who ride their bikes on the street: Fine. I'm okay with you. But here's the deal. If you are going to choose to be a 'StreetRider', guess what? THE RULES OF THE ROAD APPLY TO YOU! They do. I know, its crazy. Makes no sense, right? Geez. But you people cannot just ride against the traffic! You can't go through red lights! You can't go the other way down a one way street! The 'walking man' sign means I do not have to wait for you to pass. AND you cannot make the switch to being a 'SideRider' at the drop of a hat!

People who ride their bikes on the sidewalk: I'm less okay with you. And here is why. First, if you are speeding towards me as I'm a'walkin', you can't expect me to get out of your way. Where am I supposed to go!? Do you want me to jump gleefully into traffic? Because all thats going to happen is that I am probably going to get hit by some other mo'fo on a bike! Second, you are not a 10 year old in a midwestern suburb, so either get in the street and mean business, or buy a metrocard like an adult.  That also goes for you 1990's throwback skateboarding punks who always clip me as you go by. Its 2013. Skateboards are no longer a thing. I took a poll. Sorry.

Also, if you have a bike, don't bring it on the subway. You're just cheating yourself out of that extra exercise that you clearly thought you needed when you bought the bike. If you are a delivery man on a bike, I don't speak your language, so yelling at me to get out of your way does nothing. Sorry. I am about two near death experiences away from carrying a sack of bricks to knock you all off your bikes with. I just wanted to give you a heads up.

Give me Taxes or Give me Death!

Sometime after Valentines Day and before Easter, but right around St. Patty's day is one of my favorite holidays: Tax Day. Well, it's really more of a Tax Season, but I am campaigning to get it the full holiday status that it deserves. Needless to say, it is not going too well.

What? You think its weird that I like paying may taxes? Oh! You think the only reason I like it is for the tax return? The answer to those questions is yes. Yes I do. I love the tax return when I get one. And now that I make something that resembles "grown up money," I actually do get one. But the paying of the taxes is the part I like best. And I get to do it ALL YEAR!

I can explain this one. Its not as strange as you like to think it is. Lets look at this in a rational way, shall we? I, being the princess I am, never choose to do anything myself that I can pay others to do for me. Am I right? Yeah, you know I'm right.

Things I never wanna have to do:

-Arrest Bad Guys
-Clean trash off the street
-be a member of Congress
-or the House
-give White House tours
-Mow the lawn of parks
-clean fountains
-paint benches
-fix sidewalks
-decide to declare war
-know how checks and balances work
-teach kids
-serve kids food
-help people cross the street
-put out fires
-be the President
-guard prisons
-be in the army

And so many more! I am so relieved that it is not up to me to do any of that. I gladly pay taxes to take care of that shit!**

Someone asked me the other day how I felt about paying social security, when I will probably never see any of the money that I paid into it. Right. Yeah, I mean, that kind of sucks. But I say its still worth it! I like old people. They're cute! Whats more, is I'm okay with old people not working for a few reasons.

1) They probably worked longer, and definitely harder than most of us will.
2) Without them, we wouldn't be here
 and on a less adorable note
3) They are too old to efficiently do things now. Have you ever had a really old person serve you or help you? Its not fun. They can't hear you most of the time, they are kind of slow and you spend the whole time feeling really bad that you are getting suuuuuper inpatient and annoyed. They did their time! Let them drink tea and watch re-runs of 'Murder She Wrote'!

I am also really hoping that when I get reals old, some young, starry-eyed girl with skewed notions of how things should be, takes me under her youthful wing and helps me retire to a life of luxury. I figure I have 70 more years to figure that one out.

So thats why I love paying taxes. I like the standard of living that I have come to expect. I like feeling safe in my city, and clean and happy. I like knowing that there are, presumably, smarter people than most people I know running the country. I like knowing if my cat gets his tail in the candle again, and the house happens to catch fire, people will come take care of that crap. Its great. I'm so glad that we Americans got over that whole "we don't wanna pay taxes so we're gonna steep tea in the ocean!" phase.

**if this isn't how my tax dollars are used, please let me live in ignorant bliss.