There are few things in life I really hate. Well, thats not true. There are a lot of things in life I really hate. But most things I get to hate from afar, so it's really not that big of a deal for me. I hate fish, but they live in the ocean, so it's fine. I hate mimes, but they live in France, so it's not really a daily concern. I hate 'Ugg Boots', but winter is rumored to be ending, so I guess I can deal. I hate bicyclists, but... but they're everywhere, so it is a big deal. It's a HUGE deal! It is the biggest deal of my day to day existence.
Now, I want to clarify, as I usually do. I don't hate bikes. Nah. Bikes? Bikes are fine. I enjoy a leisurely bike ride every now and again. You know, on a bike path. Like, on a path that's only purpose is to be trodden upon by bikes. It's a path specifically constructed for people to use as a route when a bike is their means of transportation. It's funny actually. There are signs and things that designate it as a bike trail.
You know whats not a bike trail? The sidewalks of New York. You know what else is not a bike trail? The subway. You know what else? Hallways. Also, Starbucks. Elevators. These are all places for humans, sans bike, to use.
I almost get hit by a bicyclist every single day. And as much as I wish that was a gross exaggeration, it isn't. And it wouldn't be an issue if I knew how to avoid the bike people. But, this is what I have discovered since living in New York and I am gonna let you in on a little secret: there is no place you are safe from bikes. There is no escape. They are in the street and then BAM! They are on the sidewalk. They are being ridden on the subway platform and then BAM! They are being carries down the stairs. Every corner you round? BAM! Bike.
People who ride their bikes on the street: Fine. I'm okay with you. But here's the deal. If you are going to choose to be a 'StreetRider', guess what? THE RULES OF THE ROAD APPLY TO YOU! They do. I know, its crazy. Makes no sense, right? Geez. But you people cannot just ride against the traffic! You can't go through red lights! You can't go the other way down a one way street! The 'walking man' sign means I do not have to wait for you to pass. AND you cannot make the switch to being a 'SideRider' at the drop of a hat!
People who ride their bikes on the sidewalk: I'm less okay with you. And here is why. First, if you are speeding towards me as I'm a'walkin', you can't expect me to get out of your way. Where am I supposed to go!? Do you want me to jump gleefully into traffic? Because all thats going to happen is that I am probably going to get hit by some other mo'fo on a bike! Second, you are not a 10 year old in a midwestern suburb, so either get in the street and mean business, or buy a metrocard like an adult. That also goes for you 1990's throwback skateboarding punks who always clip me as you go by. Its 2013. Skateboards are no longer a thing. I took a poll. Sorry.
Also, if you have a bike, don't bring it on the subway. You're just cheating yourself out of that extra exercise that you clearly thought you needed when you bought the bike. If you are a delivery man on a bike, I don't speak your language, so yelling at me to get out of your way does nothing. Sorry. I am about two near death experiences away from carrying a sack of bricks to knock you all off your bikes with. I just wanted to give you a heads up.
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