The Modern Family Unit: Two Twenty Somethings and a Cat

so deep in roommate love

The world is changing. Thats a fact. I read that on the internet, but I feel like it rings pretty true. The standard for normalcy has definitely altered in the past, lets say eight years. Im only saying 8 years because I don't really think I was aware of too much before I was 15. Its really hard for the twenty-somethings of today because we don't want to fit into the mold that was cast by past generations. Okay, let me re-phrase that,  some twenty-somethings don't want to do that. I think the majority of us are not going to marry young and stay in our hometowns to start families. Those of you that are doing that, thats great, really it is. I support you! I will go to your weddings, toast your happiness, drink too much and then cry with my single friends later. But when I sober up and dry my tears, I will realize that like many of my peers, thats just not what the cards hold for me. Sometimes I wish it was. Sometimes I'm glad its not. Sometimes I clarify things unnecessarily. Most of the time I am crazy thankful for auto correct because I had a real hard time with that word.

So here I am. Living in New York, in my tiny apartment, 1003 miles away from my family. And like everyone who moves away from their family, I have through some miracle, squeezed my way into a modern family unit. While so many of my friends were getting engaged and having kids, I moved to a new place with my almost-common-law-platonic-husband and our cat child.

seriously, how are we single?

It really hit me today when on his way out the door to go to work Caleb said "I left you some money on the counter, get some trash bags when you go to the gym." Its smacked me in the face so hard. Somehow, in the last seven months, Caleb and I have morphed into this best friend, husband-wife, mom-dad, brother-sister, multi-functioning family unit. We do chores without being asked, buy each other groceries, remind each other of shit we need to do, act as the worlds worst wingmen and care for our pain in the ass cat. And what have we realized through all this? What is the one thing that we have learned over all these months? We have learned that we should never, under no circumstances, ever, for any reason, ever in a million years, be allowed to have kids.

Ever.

As I mentioned before, our cat is basically our son. His name is Barry. Were he a human, child services should be alerted.

 this is a turrible picture.

Things we do to Barry that we shouldn't do to kids:

1) throw him across the room.
This isn't as bad as it sounds. But believe you me, if a 15 pound cat climbed on your face at 7am, you would grab him with your eyes closed and just hurl him as far as you could. He's fine. He lands on his feet. Usually.
2) call him names.
What? He doesn't speak english, or, as far as we can tell, anything but cat. So, when he does things like, oh I don't know, chew through my headphones like he did this morning, I reserve the right to call him all sorts of names that don't make sense, but I feel would be offensive to a cat.
3) step on his tail.
...kids don't have tails, so we probably don't need to cover this one. And this is always by accident. But Barry just lays in the most annoying places.
4) refuse to feed him and call him fat.
Cry all you want Barry, but sometimes you have just eaten enough. But you can't take away a kids food and call them cubby. Thats not nice. And thats really bad parenting.
5) pour a glass of water on his head if he's being annoying.
What water-boarding would be to a child, mildly upsetting punishment is to a cat. He's really never bothered by this and the joke is usually on me when he jumps into my lap soaking wet. But he looks like a wet rat, so that embarrassing for him.
6) lock him in a closet for 8 hours.
This was an accident... kind of. He always climbs into the closet and wont get out! So I was all like "okay Barry, haha, I'm just gonna shut the door on you and see how you like it." And then I forgot and went to work. And then five hours later I was like "ohhhhh...nooooo...."And then three hours later I went home. He was fine. He napped. I guess. I actually don't know, since, you know, he was in a closet.

cat hat

So there you have it, we are a single child home with two parents in a very open marriage. We have all the support system of a little family without the obligation to give each other a kidney if needed. It doesn't make being away from our actual families easy, but it does make it easier. I also would like to clarify that Caleb is both husband and wife, seeing as he fixes things and cooks, while I am both brother and sister, seeing how I make huge messes and fight with myself.

Thanks for being super awesome Caleb treating me as if I were a family member you know you're stuck with, but still happy to be around. I would gladly ruin a kids life with you any day. If more marriages were like ours, eating, talking about boys and watching unhealthy amounts of tv, while laughing our faces off at each other, there would be a lower divorce rate.