Before Dying of Dysentery...

In the Heights, one has to face a huuuuuge assortment, of nauseating smells, and spanish rice...

I wish I had a more clever way of saying that i have been without heat and hot water for over a week. i also wish I had a more attractive way of saying that I haven't had a hot shower since last Sunday... and when I say 'hot shower' I just mean 'shower.' Now before you become too attached to your mental image of me as a shivering, yet greasy and grimy gremlin, let it be known that I have bathed many a time since Sunday. A strange thing happened tuesday morning when I awoke from my slumber, full of tormented dreams of steamy mirrors and open pores; I remembered that I knew how to be a pioneer woman. Midwest elementary schools, if nothing else, prepared me for this very situation! Its like they knew that one day we would live in a world of ipads, and wi-fi, where science fiction is abbreviated SyFy, and a world in which it would take over a week to fix a boiler. (My best guess for why its taking so long is that the boiler manual is in English and the Dominicans are having issues).

So how do I turn my 6th floor apartment into the Little House on the Prairie? Im so glad you asked.

STEP ONE:

Boil three pots of cold water (is there any other kind?) on the stove top. Note*** if you are actually a pioneer who time traveled into the future, are reading this, and want to try it when you get home, you will not have a stove. So just use fire.

While the water is boiling, shut a small heater in the bathroom so its toasty warm and you don't freeze your face off. You will have more time to kill... what you do with it is up to you. I hopped up and down in place for warmth. It was thrilling.

STEP TWO:

Take yo' pots into the bathroom and pour the biggest one in the bathtub. Add some cold water. Don't just get super excited to see something warm and hop on it. It will be painful. Or so I hear...

The rest you can figure out. Pour the water on your head after you scoop it from the tup using an 'Annie' cup. Its super glamourous. I feel all sorts of bad for pioneer women who had to do this always. I feel less bad for the medieval women, because the ones who could afford to bathe like this had hand maids to help. Or tamed dragons to heat the brass tub.

So what I am getting at here, is life is really hard. Life is even harder when you turn from a privileged, white, midwesterner, into a poor, inner-city latino woman. Ay-ai-ai.