Okay, so maybe thats not the version most are familiar with, but I am fairly certain it is the version most dogs in sweaters would want their masters to be singing. The poor things. It seems as soon as the leaves turned an autumny shade of any color other than green, the people of New York decided their dogs just couldn't handle it. Most of them didn't even wait for the first snow! They just decided since their hairless flesh was a bit chilly, that Fido, in his full fur frock, must be suffering as well. Putting him in a hot, and humiliating doggie cardi would make him feel so much better... Yeah... What I am getting at is:
DOGS IN SWEATERS LOOK STUPID.
They do. And I'm sorry of you are someone who puts your dog in human cloths, but you should know, your dog looks like a fool. And he's probably not happy about it. He's not happy about it because it is against nature. Venture with me, if you will, into the depths of my mental process:
I have to wonder what would happen to dogs if we stop putting them in sweaters. Perhaps the canine species shouldn't even be here. Maybe they should have dies out a loooooooong time ago, but because we keep dressing them for the climate change, they have survived, despite what appears to be their inability to adapt. Is their fur no longer enough to keep them warm from the harsh november cold? Why have they not evolved to have a more substantial barrier from the nippy winds? OR. Or maybe, just maybe, they have evolved and adapted in a way none of us expected. In a way none of us saw coming, and most of us have not realized. What if the canines have evolved to a point where they have gained control over us without our knowing. They are the ones making us put them in sweaters to save them from certain extinction. Mindd control. Telepathic terrier terrors.
I used to feel embarrassed for dogs forced to prance around in hideous frocks, but now I only feel embarrassed for their humans. Their poor, weak minded humans, who were clearly manipulated into buying their pet an unnecessary, almost certainly overpriced, sweater.
I fear it is too late for mankind to reverse the mind control the dogs have over the vast majority of us. They did it so sneakily. Befriending us first, manipulating and exploiting us second. It may seem that dog is not man's best friend after all. Cats must be.*
Also, I feel that if a dog is sophisticated enough to wear a Ralph Lauren doggie sweater, that he should not be peeing on a tree. This is my comprimise. Dogs: If you are going to dress like humans, defecate like humans. Wait in line and do it privately, indoors. Specifically in a toilette. I'm talking to you dog at the corner of 22nd and 9th.
*I find it necessary to mention that this entire post has been written under the strictest supervision of my cat Barry. He has taken all of my bobby-pins hostage until I have publicly exposed the dog community for the shiesty, fashionably flawed, feline inferior fools they are. Barry's argues that the dogs should have been upfront about trying to control humans, as cats were and.... no wait. We're good. Barrry saw a moth. Im free.
No comments:
Post a Comment