Things to Ponder whilst Peeing

I feel like my life is comprised mostly of prolonged periods between times I have to pee.

Its true if you think about it. It's also true if you don't think about it, because I'm telling you it is and that should be good enough for you. But seriously. Its like, I pee and then the next few hours when I am out and about I am actually stressed out thinking about when I'm going to have to go next, and where I will be and whether or not a bathroom is going to be accessible. In New York, thats never ever the case. When people are like "Carly, I'm moving to NY, do you have any advice?" I have one gem of wisdom to impart upon them:

"Pee every chance you get. Even if you don't have to, you do. Just do it."

And they don't. And they are sorry.

But besides the problem I have with bathroom being too few and far between, I have some other major issues. My biggest beef with bathrooms today is the inconvenience of how convenient everyone is trying to make my bathroom experience. I have never deemed using the restroom as something that was particularly taxing, or needed vast improvement on, but apparently I am wrong about that one thing in life. It's lucky though, that if I have to be wrong about one thing, its that. Because in the grand scheme of things its not really that big of a deal and not a lot of people care about it.

if you don't get the reference we can't sit together at lunch

...what is the grand scheme and who exactly is schemeing it? What's that persons end game? Anyway...

Now, I am on board with just having the self flushing toilette. Not for me, no. I personally like that feeling of power when you step on the silver handle and that crazy monster scream sound happens. But I do like that those nasto's who don't flush the toilettes are taking care of. (Please note that I am using the fancy spelling for the porcelain throne to give this crass entry a little class) Although, if I had it my way, I would trade the self flushing toilette for a self dispensing roll of T.P. any day. There are few things more frustrating then trying to get toilette paper from those huge industry roles of one-ply crap that rips every one square. It's absolutely infuriating. Do urinals have self flushers? That just seems messy... Are there like rogue urinals that just spew water all over? That must suck for you men out there. But hey, you never have to wait in line for the bathroom, so you win some, you lose some.

Alright, now we get to the main issue in the world of the modern bathroom: The hand cleaning regiment. Here's the way I see it: Either everything needs to be touch-less, or nothing needs to be touch-less. Because I feel like a right idiot every time I use an automatic sink, assume the soap dispenser is also automatic, and wave my hand underneath it muttering curse words for a solid 45 seconds until I finally realize its pump soap! So there I am, feeling like a moron, and I head over to the hand dryer. I press that button and BAM! The water from my hands is now all over my pants and shoes. Cool bathroom. Cool. Whenever that happens I feel like I am in "Smart House" and the house is getting back at me by making me look like I foolishly wet my pants. Except I am never in a house when I use an automatic hand dryer, so I guess it's more like "Smart Department Store."

Also, it's 2013. Where are the stall doors that stay locked? Where are the toilette seats that have tiny porous holes on them that emit a sterilizing fog after the toilettes flushed? Why are the hooks to hang your coat on still not bigger? Why are there no Febreeze Air Effects installed on the walls? Why are the hand dryers still soooooo far away from the sinks? THESE are things that need fixed in bathrooms! Not sinks that turn themselves on. It takes way longer to wave my hands about to find the trigger spot on that damn sink than it would for me to just pull the handle up and get to business! (That sentence was headed in a definite direction, so I committed).

Now you have to pee don't you? And you're dreading it.